Failings and Hopeful Tips

Little over a month ago I wrote a post giving you all a few updates on the things that were (and still are) happening in my life at the moment, at least with regards to this Blog and its related projects.

One of the updates was that I had written a couple of short stories to enter into a contest.

Well, first off, I only entered two of them, as the third, titled ‘Elevator Uprising’ hit a bit of a snag when I became disappointed with the direction the ending was heading and stopped working on it, and still haven’t finished it yet.

So, I only entered the other two, titled ‘Conscious Subconscious’ and ‘I Was Created’

And I saw today that I wasn’t short-listed.

Naturally, I was a little disappointed.

Now, they, I think in the next week or so, are going to release and publish the winners on to their website, so at least then I will know what I lost to. Not to say that the judges wouldn’t have the right decision, that would just be pride talking on my part. I would just like to see.

I think the part that bothers me is that I was really hoping for a positive turn, writing is a big thing for me so its a bit of a blow to the system.

Now, before I bore you all with my soppy story completely, I’m going to hopefully find an answer to the question I have been asking myself lately.

“What is a Blog supposed to be?”

It seems like a lot of the time I’ve only been using it as a sort of ranting page, where I can complain about my day, never really offering anything in return. And I think that’s where I’ve been going wrong.

I feel I should at least be offering you something, maybe an insight, maybe advice, maybe some tips?

The trouble is. I can’t do that, I’m not all that smart. And to be honest, if you search for just about anything these days there will almost always be a ton of posts, videos and websites commenting on it already.

So, how do you be original in a world where pretty much everything that can be done, has been?

I guess this I know a little about as I am actually trying to make a lasting impact.

So, here goes.

– Don’t try to be original, there is no such thing. If you have an idea, a goal you want to aim for, just try to hit it, don’t let those stand in your way.

– they say that to fully achieve something, you should dedicate 100% of your time an effort to that task. Now with this clearly not being practical, setting aside time for the goal is the better way, even if it is just an hour a week, that’s still more progress than none at all.

– Find support, but not too much. I have no idea if I have done this right or not, but the way I have worked all this out is, I have a few close friends who know I have a Blog, but although they know I have it, I never told them the actual name, only hints, so I have no idea if they have read it or not.

I’m getting sidetracked on this last point. You want people to support you in what you are endeavouring to accomplish, but I would say you only want a few, close people who will check up on your progress and review it (Should it be something that needs reviewing) but you don’t want too many of them, else the you would probably wind up feeling the pressure of it.

The way I have worked this is by only giving hints of the website to those who are interested, and then at least if they actively seek it out I will know they are actually interested.

In this respect, I don’t think I ever plan on revealing myself, at least not for the time being.

Anyway, I hope those pointers turn out useful, even if only to one of you, I’ll feel somewhat useful again then at least.

I’ll probably put one of the short stories up here in due time, at least if I work out how best to go about doing that.

Take care



A topic of Marriage

I think this may be the first time I try to make an effort to talk about something important.

“Do you have a girlfriend.”

I don’t get asked the question frequently, but whenever I do get asked it, and I give the simple answer of; “No, I don’t” the most common response I get is something along the lines of, “Better off alone.” “Save your money” or “Yeah good on you.”

So, I would like to raise a point on this matter.

My reasons for being single are not in an effort to save any money or because I think it’s better that way. I am single because I am to terrified and shy to ask a particular woman out. By that I mean meet for a drink, you know, just to chat, that sort of thing. I mean I admittedly have no idea as to whether or not she would even be willing to accept my offer.

Is that the scary part?

Kind of. I mentioned in my last post how I feel about the idea of relationships, and what it is about them that terrifies me. So, you couple that, with the fact that the woman in question is far too good for me, and you can connect the dots as to why I am too nervous to fully say anything.

Right, now that that is out of the way, back to the matter at hand.

I spoke to a woman the other day who, from what I could take away from our brief chat, was that she was a recent divorcee, and she commented on how she “had felt she would better off single, but should have stayed married.” (I paraphrase)

But honestly, this is a testament to the current view that seems to be going.

“I’ll be happier in a relationship.” “I’ll be happier single.”

And while yes, it is a possibility, it seems that what I hear a lot of is people wanting the opposite of what they have.

What is it people say? The grass is always greener on the other side. But only because it has been fertilised with bullshit.

I feel like I’m treading on shaky ground here, but what the heck, sometimes you have to tread on toes to make a point right?

So I think that all can be a good thing. Yes it can be good to be in a relationship, or married, while at the same time it can also be good to be single. I’m not putting more emphasis on any, because provided they are used right, all can be brilliant.

But I do feel a little that if you think you will be happier outside of a relationship, and leave solely for that purpose, you may struggle.

Obviously situations can vary and I don’t want to generalise, but that doesn’t change how I feel.

My friend Diamond (whom I mentioned once before under the name ‘Curls’) and I were discussing the idea of relationships and wives the other day. One of the things he said to me was that he views the idea of a relationship and marriage as the next big step for him, as he is a working professional with a full career. (Something I admit I don’t have yet.)

But for me, that line of thinking makes sense, and I am more than happy to support him in his search, much as I know he is supportive of mine.

The impression I get from the culture I live in, more so in my old work place than my current one, is that getting married young seems to be incredibly frowned upon, while a bloke in my position would be expected to, excuse my lingo, ‘play the field’ and ‘just enjoy it’

But honestly, I just don’t see the appeal behind that.

Within my church environment there are a good number of younger couples, and though it tries it’s hardest to treat both the same, there seems to be a bit of an unspoken and unwritten rule that single people seem to gain slightly less notice than the married ones, though I’m certain this isn’t an intentional thing. Given a brief topic of conversation I had the other night.

But all in all, even given how some work places frown upon it, I am all for the idea of marriage at a younger age.

Just to make this clear, when I say ‘Young’ or ‘Younger’ I’m still talking consenting adults, I just mean those at around my age, 21-24, that kind of area.

Personally, I don’t know if right now I could properly handle being married, maybe within the next year or so, but nothing is set in stone, and given that I still have to approach with even a shred of confidence, I think it may still be a way off.

Still, please feel sorry for whoever my wife ends up being, she will need all the sympathy she can get.

I think that’s it for now.


For Birdie and Curls

I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past.

I’ve said before that I don’t want this to just become an outlet for when I am in a down mood, or just a depressing string of posts, but I suppose sometimes this can’t be avoided.

I only really bring this up because I’ve been reviewing a lot of things recently, the thoughts of most of which were brought on by the topic of a conversation I had at work today.

I can’t be a good blogger or even conversationalist without being at least somewhat open. So here goes.

I had a discussion today with my two closest workplace friends and colleagues. (By which I mean they are both) about a young woman I happen to be rather drawn towards. (I’m weakly avoiding being two blunt here)

One of them already knew who it was, having worked it out, either from my lack of subtlety or picking up on something I hadn’t, maybe even both. The other doesn’t know who, but it pretty adamant on finding out. (Tomorrow if things go as I expect them to)

Now, with these two being my closest workplace fiends I am more than happy to keep them in the loop, and to let them know what goes on.

My true issues stem from a much deeper place.

I am terrified of the prospect of a relationship.

My first and only one, lasted about a year and a half, and ended nearly two years ago now, but the repercussions still last.

I had no idea what I was doing at the time, and to be honest, feel that if I were to enter another one, still wouldn’t. I made so many mistakes, hurt her dramatically, and then it took me a long time afterwards to actually begin to learn from what I did.

When it first ended, I felt vulnerable, and was actually able to let my emotions surface for the first time in a long time. But now I’m beginning to understand, the vulnerability that I felt back then, is nothing compared to what I feel now.

The prospect of opening up again, I don’t know how I feel about it.

During the last six months or so, maybe a little longer, of my former relationship, I started to transform into a truly horrible person.

And the worst part of this, is some of him still remains.

I  know that people change over time, I am aware that the events around us change how we think, how we act, how we respond to things. But looking back, the way I responded, the way I acted during certain times, both towards her, but actually I think even more so towards my own family, was just disgraceful.

And I will forever be haunted by these, some events that happened almost two years ago I can still remember clearly, I recall the events and even more so than that, I recall the aftermath.

You can’t undo the past.

I suppose the only way forward is to learn from it and move on.

The trouble for me is, I didn’t realise at the time what was going on with me, the changes I was undergoing, because I was so blinded.

And that’s the main thing that frightens me now.

I’m terrified that if I go through with this, I’ll be blinded again, and the sheds of horrible Unin will grow to become a fully fledged awful Unin.

So how do I progress?

I know that one of my work friends already approves the match, the other just wants to validate I guess.

But that’s okay with me.

So I put out the question, to the empty abyss of the internet.

How should I, Unin Ventive progress with this?

I have a lot of apologies to make, most of which won’t happen, either through my own pride (I’m working on it) or though a lack of seeing the person again.

But if I were to see her again, I would be open in my apologies. I would admit to the mistakes I had made, for the hurt I caused. For the times I should have just swallowed my pride and admitted I was wrong, and for the times I didn’t show her the respect she deserved.

I think I will ask this young woman out, as soon as I can work up the courage, and find the right time, and actually work out if she could actually even be interested in the first place.

Having my two work friends by my side is certainly going to help with this though, and so I am incredibly grateful to have the both of them, Birdie and Curls, you two are great.

I’ll see you soon