I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past.
I’ve said before that I don’t want this to just become an outlet for when I am in a down mood, or just a depressing string of posts, but I suppose sometimes this can’t be avoided.
I only really bring this up because I’ve been reviewing a lot of things recently, the thoughts of most of which were brought on by the topic of a conversation I had at work today.
I can’t be a good blogger or even conversationalist without being at least somewhat open. So here goes.
I had a discussion today with my two closest workplace friends and colleagues. (By which I mean they are both) about a young woman I happen to be rather drawn towards. (I’m weakly avoiding being two blunt here)
One of them already knew who it was, having worked it out, either from my lack of subtlety or picking up on something I hadn’t, maybe even both. The other doesn’t know who, but it pretty adamant on finding out. (Tomorrow if things go as I expect them to)
Now, with these two being my closest workplace fiends I am more than happy to keep them in the loop, and to let them know what goes on.
My true issues stem from a much deeper place.
I am terrified of the prospect of a relationship.
My first and only one, lasted about a year and a half, and ended nearly two years ago now, but the repercussions still last.
I had no idea what I was doing at the time, and to be honest, feel that if I were to enter another one, still wouldn’t. I made so many mistakes, hurt her dramatically, and then it took me a long time afterwards to actually begin to learn from what I did.
When it first ended, I felt vulnerable, and was actually able to let my emotions surface for the first time in a long time. But now I’m beginning to understand, the vulnerability that I felt back then, is nothing compared to what I feel now.
The prospect of opening up again, I don’t know how I feel about it.
During the last six months or so, maybe a little longer, of my former relationship, I started to transform into a truly horrible person.
And the worst part of this, is some of him still remains.
I know that people change over time, I am aware that the events around us change how we think, how we act, how we respond to things. But looking back, the way I responded, the way I acted during certain times, both towards her, but actually I think even more so towards my own family, was just disgraceful.
And I will forever be haunted by these, some events that happened almost two years ago I can still remember clearly, I recall the events and even more so than that, I recall the aftermath.
You can’t undo the past.
I suppose the only way forward is to learn from it and move on.
The trouble for me is, I didn’t realise at the time what was going on with me, the changes I was undergoing, because I was so blinded.
And that’s the main thing that frightens me now.
I’m terrified that if I go through with this, I’ll be blinded again, and the sheds of horrible Unin will grow to become a fully fledged awful Unin.
So how do I progress?
I know that one of my work friends already approves the match, the other just wants to validate I guess.
But that’s okay with me.
So I put out the question, to the empty abyss of the internet.
How should I, Unin Ventive progress with this?
I have a lot of apologies to make, most of which won’t happen, either through my own pride (I’m working on it) or though a lack of seeing the person again.
But if I were to see her again, I would be open in my apologies. I would admit to the mistakes I had made, for the hurt I caused. For the times I should have just swallowed my pride and admitted I was wrong, and for the times I didn’t show her the respect she deserved.
I think I will ask this young woman out, as soon as I can work up the courage, and find the right time, and actually work out if she could actually even be interested in the first place.
Having my two work friends by my side is certainly going to help with this though, and so I am incredibly grateful to have the both of them, Birdie and Curls, you two are great.
I’ll see you soon